Spoilers. FUCKING SPOILERS. You remember when you churn through your facebook posts and you see something about Star Wars and you’re like “HOLY SHIT I HOPE I DIDNT JUST READ A SPOI….” this. Right here. Right now. You turn your ass around and go somewhere else. Im gonna stand here and wait for that fine butt to be facing in my direction.

Seriously fuck right off if you haven’t see Star Wars yet.


You still here?

Last chance, internet adventurer…

So, unlike a significant population of the entire human race who went to see this movie, I actually really really liked The Last Jedi. For the 3 billion of you that didn’t like it and are now fucking off somewhere for that sweet sweet cup of tea. I want you to just take a nice little seat with that tea, take a little sip (bit more than that), breathe easy and WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SMOKING?! This MovieMop is for you, my Star Wars hating readers.

The new Star Wars does something Star Wars hasn’t done since Disney took over. Told a fucking story. Hallelujah! Christmas fucking miracle! Yeh yeh, Rogue One, yeh yeh The Force Awakens. Think about it though, cast your brain back a year, two years. Rogue One was an entire movie about 2 sentences taken from A New Hope and The Force Awakens was literally just ANH but with hip millennial characters. There’s a lot of butt-hurt #notmystarwars people out there at the minute totally ragging on this film, so I’m gonna address some criticisms as my TLJ review. I’m a person that loves to get mad, and if I can get mad AND review a movie, oh baby.

1. “But it didn’t tell me ‘x’ tho!”
This is perhaps the dumbest criticism the new movie is getting. With an entire movie left in the trilogy (if they even keep to it staying a trilogy… which they probably will… or will they?… they will… maybe), every mystery not resolved and understood is 100% fine with me. I don’t want to go into the next one knowing everything already. The movies give you what you need so you can understand the story; it’s not going to break off half-way through for a 10 year training montage of Luke Skywalker teaching toddlers just because you want more Luke (RIP Space Cowboy). We didn’t have 20 flashbacks to Obi-Wan Kenobi doing stuff whilst in isolation on Tatooine, why should we have that with Luke?

Cinema-goers don’t seem to realise that a LOT of the additional story is going to be revealed in companion novels, comics and tv shows as well. For this there has to be reasonable gaps in explanation for Star Wars to continue making dolla dolla billz yo. You want that Knights of Ren movie, this is how it happens.

2. ” But I expected ‘x'”
In retrospect, it’s easy to see how this one point has destroyed everyones perception of the film. Especially when many hating on the movie admit that the film is goddamn great on repeat viewing. If your expectations of the film aren’t being destroyed whilst you watch it, you can focus more on actually enjoying it… this gives me hope, a new hope.

I’ll be totally honest, I was ready for (and even championing) Grey Jedi for this movie. I wanted Kylo and Rey to say “sit on this pointy lightsaber” to everyone and go off to do their own thing. Kylo brought into the grey area by being so gosh darn innocent all the time (insert awkward topless kawaiiiiiii senpai) and Rey being brought into the middle by realising even the biggest good guys have a mean streak. It would have set up an amazing final act to the series and we NEARLY had it after the Snoke’s death scene. I was disappointed, sure, but what we were given was equally as fun and new and surprising. The Last Jedi took huge risks, some of them didn’t work, some of them greatly expanded the series mythology… which is really really awesome.

I appreciated how unpredictable the film as a whole ended up being. Who seriously expected Snoke to die in this? It wasn’t you, I know it wasn’t…you’re lying to me if you thought that would happen. Who expected Finn and Rose’s big save-the-day mission to actually fail? I certainly didn’t. Whilst the criticism is that there were too many breakaways from usual Star Wars storytelling tropes, the surprises really are what MADE this film enjoyable. The changes freshened it up a little, and honestly the series needed a little freshening. Also, isn’t Star Wars supposed to be about surprising you? When did that not become a thing?

3. “That bit in the casino was pointless…it was like the prequels.”
In context of this movie alone, I can totally agree with this statement. The CGI felt hashed in and the stylisation was something akin to Naboo in architecture. Nobody liked Naboo. Fuck you JarJar.


Fuck you JarJar.


That bit at the end with the kid moving his broom with the force drastically changes the importance of Finn and Rose tearing up the town on their giraffe horses. It wouldn’t surprise me if that force-sensitive kid ends up being really integral to the overall plot… maybe as an apprentice of some sort, maybe as a set up to the next trilogy. Perhaps the one Rian Johnson has been green-lit to write and direct for instance… unless you forgot about that. This would make what Finn and Rose did majorly important to the plot of the franchise even if their arc in this singular film was mostly pointless. The reason I say this is because i’m sure there were a LOT of Luke Skywalker scenes left on the cutting room floor. I’m sure there were a LOT of Carrie Fisher (RIP Space Cowgirl) scenes left on the cutting room floor. The director wouldn’t cap off his big dramatic awesome finale with a little orphan kid unless that kid had a real reason to be there. The force moves in mysterious ways.

4. “It was boring.”
Lolwut? You serious? Didn’t you see that bit where that Admiral from Jurassic Park hyperspeeded Snoke’s ship and turned it into space butter?  Did you miss the part where Rey and Kylo Ren worked together to defeat Snoke’s ultra-powerful private guard, proving there can be balance to the force. What about that bit where, I dunno, Poe Dameron single handedly disabled the defensive capibilities of an entire fucking dreadnaught.

What about Luke Skywalker force ghosting his way across the galaxy, holding off an entire army just by being there. I accept story criticisms, sure, but boring? Fuck right off, mate.



Overall I thought The Last Jedi was a great, surprising, experimental and cinematic expansion to the series. I loved it and can’t wait to watch it every christmas as I glance past it on Netflix.

So… to throw my love for this movie in your faces, it’s getting (at least I think it’s getting) THE FIRST EVER MOVIEMOP…..10/10 bitches.

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