Mustache League

Warning, the following contains spoilers for Justice League, starring Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot and not Henry Cavill’s mustache.

Im DC over Marvel, all day any day. The characters are more interesting, the events are more epic and the heroes more super. This review is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you, believe me.  We’re gonna laugh, were gonna cry and were gonna ignore continuity for the sake of drama. Lets review Justice League. All In. Unite the League. You can’t save the world al… fuck it.

Justice League is a movie about superheroes teaming up to stop a big big baddie from destroying the world. ABC, 123, film-makers. It’s also about trying to fix the DC movie universes immense laundry list of issues since Zod decimated Metropolis in Man of Steel. Does it do that? Meh. Does it create an even bigger laundry list of problems? Absofucking-lutely it does, buckoes. I’m gonna sway from my usual review format today and just talk about stuff out of order as they come to my head (probably ordered by character). There’s no continuity here, because WB didn’t see fit to grace me with any with Justice League.

First lets address the big, fat tossing bald and plastic-looking issue here. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SUPERMAN’S FACE! IT IS FUCKING TERRIFYING! So… the first thing you see in the film is a phone-cam CGI shitstorm happening around Henry Cavills mouth. I don’t understand how you could possibly make someones face look so totally and utterly buggared. What the fuck is happening? Look at this shit. Just look at it. Bathe in it. HOW DID THIS EVER GET RELEASED LIKE THIS.

In the words of the immortal Wade W Wilson. What. The. Ass. Pretty much every scene Superman is in, and he’s in a bunch kiddies, he’s got this obvious, grotesque CGI fuckery going on. It’s really Superman levels of distracting whilst you watch the film. You’re watching the movie and really really want to get emotionally invested whilst Lois and Clark hug intimately. He’s just come back to life and its time for them to be fwb’s again. However, ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO IT WHILST STARING AT THIS BULLSHIT.

Lets talk about Wonder Woman. Are we expected to sit here in our VIP IMAX seats, choffing down a mountain of shitty nachos, and believe that she couldn’t just use her super-speed for the entire bloody movie? That we gotta awesomely witness her speed forcing her way to saving all those people in that museu….bank(?) and then literally never see that power again AT ALL in the film? You don’t think that might have come in handy there Wonder Woman? Remember that cool Flash part where you were chasing after your sword? No? Fuck off Spork? Ok.

Also, when they were doing the big “HUMANS ARE FUCKING MONSTERS THEY DESERVE DEATH” story arc in the Wonder Woman movie, why did they never mention the apocalyptic war that humans helped avert assumably just before Ares killed the Olympians? “Humans only fight wars because of Ares, Diana! Also they were fighting wars before that but it doesn’t matter to this movie.” – Wonder Woman’s mum. This isn’t a dig at Wonder Woman at all (that movie is delicious), this is me crying fucking murder at the team responsible for the DC movie continuity. Did you even sit and watch Wonder Woman, folks? Did you. Sheesh. ALSO WHY WAS WONDER WOMAN AFRAID TO LEAD THE TEAM? She was leading the fuck out of those World War 1 chaps.

For all the bullshit, Gal Gadot is admittedly the only hero in this film that’s pretty solid throughout, If that means anything after all that.

Hey Flash, you were awesome. Keep on truckin’. Seeing as this is a MovieMop review though I HAVE to say something bad about the Flash. Ok… hmmm… tough one. Oh oh, that bit where he was surprised when the other heroes pissed off and hid from Commissioner Gordon? That bit. You’d think he would have caught that, being faster than all of them combined and all. Oh well.

As a divergence from the bashing I’m giving this movie, I’ll tell you one fucking awesome thing about The Flash in Justice League. His music. Oh boy when he’s kicking up speed and the music’s like bleep bleep bleep BRAAAAAAAAAH. I love awesome BRAAAAAHs. Really like the style they gave to him there. The scene where he locks eyes with Superman is also spectacular. I’m super hyped to see a Flashpoint movie now. His character worked really really well.

CYBORG DEPRESS, CYBORG UPGRADE, CYBORG HELP SUPERHEROES BUT STILL DEPRESS, CYBORG SAVE THE WORLD AND UPGRADE. Ladies and gents, the Cyborg story arc. It very very clear that 99% of Cyborg’s role in this film is to be a plot device which keeps the story rolling on. Remember that little morbid kid in The Prisoner of Azkaban who just every now and then looks at the screen and gives the audience answers he can’t possible know? “Sirius Black… a full spectral dog”. Remember him? He was Cyborgs mysterious and subtle child-like form.

Here’s a few samples. Obvious direct quotes courtesy of WB.

“No it’s right here look.” – Cyborg.

“We’ll never find Steppenwolf, he might win thi…” – Aquaman
“Steppenwolf’s in a Russian town.” – Cyborg

Last but not least, Khal Drogo. I appreciated that they let Momoa act like his usual surfer dudebro self for Aquaman. I’m a little confused as to why they made him hang out in a village in Alaska though. Wasn’t he supposed to be a Hawaiian-like Polynesian Aquaman? Isn’t that what all the tattoos were for? No? Fuck off Spork? FINE FINE FINE.

Aquaman probably has the least to do out of all the characters in this movie (even less than Cyborg). He kind of just goes from place to place, swings his 5 pointed trident (pentadent?) around and then complains for a while before leaving. It kind of works with the character they’re trying to create though, this kind of lone wolf figure who hates everyone. I’m fine with him just popping in to deal with big situations and pissing off when stuff gets boring, he can get away with it. That beard, that beard commands respect.

The one thing I just will not fucking let slide with his story arc is how weak and shitty the Atlanteans are in comparison to the Amazonians. Remember that awesome-as-shit scene with the Amazons running away with a Motherbox from Steppenwolf? Where was the Atlantean defence, boys? You’re letting the seas down here. The Amazons had their shit together and you guys are just squirming around. Their abilities did not get me pumped for an Atlantis-based Aquaman solo film. However, Amber Heard in green spandex…. possibly.

Overall the movie was… meh. It had a forgettable villain with boring forgettable minions. The storyline didn’t make any sense at all (AT LEAST EXPLAIN WHAT A MOTHERBOX ‘DOES’). There was at least 15 hours of footage of just some random Russian family hiding in cupboards and running away from CGI, not to mention stuff which just did not make any logical sense at all. What was the fucking deal with the opening shot of Superman? It didn’t make sense. Did we really need a scene of Lois and Martha Kent just drinking coffee? The mind boggles.

Justic League suffered a lot from its intense production and advertising issues. The last minute extensive reshoots are super obvious with scenes jarringly jumping too and from greenscreen (IM LOOKING AT YOU AQUAMAN, YOU FUCKER) as well as an obvious mountain of scenes left on the cutting room floor. Evidence of missing footage can be seen in a hefty percentage of the trailers being cut from the final film. Remember that bit where Wonder Woman is like “more more or more less”? Yeh that wasn’t in it. What about the cool Cyborg Iron-Man-like in the clouds at night shot? Sorry. What about the end of the last trailer, which happened literally 6 weeks ago, where Alfred is talking to Superman? Yeh, get rekt, you’re not seeing that here.

4/10 because I want to be the first low point review for the movie which doesn’t talk about Batman at all. Fuck I mentioned him! Shit.

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