Hulk Wang 3: Ragnarok

Warning, the following contains spoilers for Thor: Ragnarok.

I’m one of the minority that was ok with Thor 1 and 2. Sure, The Dark World was a little rough around the edges, but it had an interesting story and some fantastic acting.  Anthony Hopkins is always so incredibly regal in the role of Odin and brought real gravitas to things, especially in The Dark World. That bit where the Queen dies? My eternal feels. Anyway… it’s time for the trilogy capper to the god of thunder and its finally happened folks. We’ve finally hit maximum Marvel Guardians of the Galaxy whimsey. Lets review Thor: Ragnarok.

The opening scene is a super-serious CGI hell-world inhabited by the literal nordic devil. This obviously immediately descends into ridiculous visual humour and a (admittedly satisfying-as-shit) fight scene to the sounds of Led Zeppelin. Hey Star Lord, didn’t see you tape decking for the movie composer there. 5 minutes in and I’m already internally screaming “WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS THIS, MARVEL!”. This is a scream I carry for the next 125 minutes.

Quick shout out to Karl Urban here for pulling off a really convincing London cockney accent. I don’t know why this was necessary for an already incredible actor, but sure, whatever floats your godly domain.

Wait. Is that Matt Damon? IT IS MATT DAMON! AND THAT’S THE DUDE FROM JURASSIC PARK! What is even happening?!

I’ll be honest, the unmasking of Loki and their hunt for Odin was much shorter than I hoped it would be. They really kopped-out the whole “Loki kidnapped Odin” cliffhanger at the end of Thor 2. “Yeh, I left the all-father in an old persons home on Earth.” What? No cosmic prison or dungeon? No cameo from the collector? You’re the god of mischief for fuck sake… this the best you’ve got here? Insert pointless Doctor Strange cameo as well for good measure. I’m disappointed that, for all the ideas in the film, they couldn’t explain Odin’s absence more convincingly.

Just taking a moment here to tell that woman on fucking laughing gas sat behind us at the cinema to shut the fuck up. I KNOW YOU LIKE THE FUNNY FUNNY, BUT I CANT HEAR SHIT YOU SILLY BITCH!

Odin dying in a stupidly awesome Yondu-esque way means… well we all dun fucked up now, chums. Cate Blanchett has been living in the alternate CGI reality prison and isn’t too pleased about things. Oh and, she’s Thor’s sister. No moment to ponder that there, Thor? No? What about you Loki? No? Ok. Its cool, Odin probably has a million kids right? Blanchett blows up Thor’s hammer for the funnies; that thing they made a big deal out of as the source of Thor’s power in the first film. This will be important later.

Loki gets Karl Urban to open up the bifrost, but sneaky Hela hitches a ride and kicks their asses. She decides to go on a really really really baller killing spree in Asgard. She mullers the warriors-three pretty much straight away (no lady Sif?) in what can only be described as a “FUCK YOU YOU’RE CAMEO FODDER NOW LOL” surprise attack. Then she proceeds to bollock everyones day up, raise the dead, make the viewer question everything they’ve ever known about Odin’s goodness, REVIVE A GIANT BLACK WOLF and make you realise she’s totally justified in everything she’s doing.

Heimdall is the best. Why can’t we just have a Heimdall film?

Outside of the Asgardian genocide, theres a load of time spent on a trash-planet. Thor ends up in gladiator fights against the Hulk and then legit steals lines from the viking movie 13th Warrior. Loki pulls some shit and they meet a Valkyrie with a drinking problem…and *sighs loudly* Jeff Goldblum. The saving grace here is the greatest rock-based Marvel character in history. Seriously Marvel, if you make a buddy cop movie with that rock dude and his alien sidekick, you’re onto a winner.

Anyway, Thor finds out he totally and, not-canonically to the comics, has the ability to control Lighting without Mjolnir… rendering the first film literally pointless. Time to repeat the soundtrack at the start so we don’t have to pay for another licence! Turns out the power up is fairly useless as well, as it does little to stop Hela being a total bitch to the people of Asgard. I’m starting to feel like the hammer being destroyed was just good trailer bait, Marvel.

Thor decides the best way to save Asgard is to blow the fuck out of it by starting the apocalypse.”Asgard is a people” proclaims Thor, as he watches the ancient home of the gods disintegrate into tiny pebbles. The End.

This movie was a crazy mixed bag of serious seriousness, stupidly good action and unhinged comedy. I don’t even know how to genre-ify this film. I like all of the different styles it went for independently, but together they mish-mashed into just fucking sheer madness. For instance, Thor and Loki have a heartfelt reunion with their father and see him die beautifully. This takes place immediately following some Doctor Strange comedy weirdness, making the jump just downright jarring.

On the topic of the Doctor Strange stuff. Does this mean they lamed out his closing credit stuff by just inserting Thor 3 movie content? Not cool, Marvel.

Don’t get me wrong, some parts of this film were incredible. Thor walking along the bridge at the end thunderbolting all enemies in his path to Led Zeppelin was a sheer spectacle worth saluting. Also that scene with the flight of the Valkyries fighting off Hela… AW YES, GO HARDER IMAX. However, everything in balance. There’s a scene where Thor bludgeons himself with a big bouncy ball. There’s a scene where the Hulk GETS HIS BIG GREEN DONG OUT, REMINDING US ALL THAT IT IS PROBABLY GINORMOUS. Don’t even get me started on any scene Jeff Goldblum is in.

Well there it is.

I’m giving this film an 8/10, because even though it’s 50 film genre’s mashed into one, it’s still a better fantasy film than The Dark Tower. At the end of the day, isn’t that what everyone wants.

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