THE ARROWVERSE SHITSTORM – WEEK 1

Welcome to the DC SHITSTORM, where I cannot be fucked to review every CW DC show individually, so I compress them all together and mash out something akin to a summary. Todays covers the season openers of Arrow, The Flash, Legends of Tomorrow and Supergrill. Spoilers.

IT’S FUCK THE CLIFFHANGERS WEEK ON OUR FIRST DAY! WOO!

Lets start with everyone’s favourite sad and angsty archer, Oliver Queen. So at the end of last season Oliver found himself watching his beloved Island getaway literally explode. Im going to ignore the “how does a small group of dudes explode an entire island” issue (we’re a bit late to the party for those kind of questions) and move straight into the resolution of this ultra mega dramatic cliffhanger (excitement inserted here). Who’s alive?! Who’s dead?! Oooooooooo.

We pick up the new season 5 months later in the Arrow-cave and everyone important is just walking around no problem. Thanks for that pointless setup and immediate jump to episode fucking 4 there, Arrow.

Katie Cassidy is still getting work, this time as leader of a…. wait… mercenary group? Quentin Lance feels bad and makes everyone feel bad. Oliver blames himself for something stupid. Diggle is having psychological issues manifesting itself physically. Felicity is still alive and Thea is gravely injured. Sure does feel like pissing Arrow in here, my lovelies! Episode ends with everyone finding out Oliver is the Green Arrow… until they find some way to sweep it under the rug next week. Oh and there’s Deathstroke, violently underused as per usual.

6/10 because Stephen Amell didn’t get his abs out nearly enough for this to be a CW show.

Moving over to Scarlett Speedster territory, last season we saw the fastest man alive eaten by the actual universe…it was awesome. However, getting a tense situation resolved over time and with emotional impact is just not the CW way damnit. Instead of letting Kid Flash have a few episodes to shine and come into his own as the new Flash… Y’know, so we can appreciate his character and his growth as a hero in own right. Instead of that we spend the first 20 minutes immediately bringing back Barry. The ladies loves the Gustin.

As always, Joe West is the best character on the show. Whenever big decisions happen his reaction is identical to the average viewer. “Well, ok, just don’t break the universe yeh?”. Thanks Joe. Iris spends the majority of this episode angry at everyone for giving her what she wants. Cisqo says Cisqo things in a Cisqo way. Lastly, and im fucking sorry, but Wally isn’t quite insulted enough by everyone brooding around him moaning “WE WANT THE REEEAL FLASH BAAAAAAAAAACK NOOOOOO”.

Barry comes back through some Cisqo magic science plot device and is refreshingly and understandably off his rocker from 10 millennia alone in the speed force. Barry then decides not to be crazy, immediately regains his sanity and returns as the Flash even more powerful than before. WAY TO GLOSS OVER MENTAL ILLNESSES THERE, FLASH. If you’re consumed by the universe and have dementia from thousands of years in isolation… just try not being crazy… yeh just do that.

7/10 because even though they retconned the speed force prison issue, techno samurai are awesome.

Legends of Tomorrow is the next show to completely ignore its last season finale. “We broke time!” shout the Legends! OH NO, SHITS FUCKED FROM STOPPING REVERSE FLASH! WHAT WILL THE LEGENDS DOOOOOOOO!  Luckily 5-years-in-the-future Rip Hunter (with a fresh biznezz haircut) shows up and puts a stop to that entire plotline. He’s brought along a new totally not Time Masters group that he’s created and solves everything in the first 10 minutes of the episode. Wait, wut? “Sorry”, reply the studio executives, “dinosaurs sauntering around Central City is… well… expensive.”

Screw watching the Legends resolve a time storm, I want to see Sarah Lance working in a department store! I want to see a genius tech billionaire superhero working for a dating app developer! I want to see Firestorm, the nuclear powered duo act that can absorb radiation and TRANSMUTATE NUCLEAR ARMED MISSILES INTO A MOUNTAIN OF FUCKING JELLY BEANS getting excited for baby bumps. I want to see Rory on a beach in Aruba beating the shit out of Julius Cea… wait, ok that bit was awesome. Rory is the best part of this show, hands down.

Like whiney children seeking parental attention, the group coalesce at the newly formed professional Time Bureau and then beg Rip to let them be time travelling superheroes again ‘please please please Rip pleeeeeez tho!’. “FUCK EVERYTHING YOUVE DONE UNTIL THIS POINT” proclaims timelord in training Rip Hunter, ignoring the fact the Legends saved the universe from annihilation at least twice. At least Gideon isn’t a total bitch to them. Bollocks to giving them a bit of credit, Rip makes everyone in the Bureau believe the Legends are uber-lame at their jobs. But luckily for us viewers,  the Legends proceed to prove everyone right by almost destroying the entirety of history with a book. Well then.

5/10 because of that scene where we realised Caesar was played by the guy who played Crassus in Spartacus and shouted out “AHHHHHHHHHH” whilst pointing rapidly at his face.

Ok. Supergrill, Supergrill, can you make a super grill? Well… right ok so the cliffhanger at the end of Supergirl wasn’t entirely a cliffhanger. Benoist (that’s Melissa, not Chris, sheesh) sacrifices her will-they wont-they alien boyfriend to save the Earth.

The entirety of the first episode of Supergirl has the Girl of Steel dealing with the fact she’s single now. Oh yeh and theres a bit where some dudes try to blow up the city because Nathan Petrelli from Heroes said so. I really cannot think of anything else that happened.

4/10 because Martian Manhunter is cooler in green, not tearful romcoms.

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