Knife Saunterer: 2049

Warning, the following contains spoilers for the movie Blade Runner 2049. The one with the Gosling. That one.

I never really understood why Replicant hunters are called “Blade Runners”. Was the first hunter just a guy carrying a giant knife and running around slapping robots? Was it a guy called Blade with lots of running water taps in his home? “Hey here’s my runner beans and me chopping them with a bladed dinosaur shaped spatula.” Anyway, lets review.

Here’s the story of Blade Runner 2049; and it’s honestly very straight-forward. A bioengineered machine woman, called a replicant, in the far far future of 1970’s 2019 has a child with a (perhaps) replicant male person that looks like Harrison Ford. Replicants having babies might undermine the replicant slave trade they have going on in far-future 2049, so everyone’s on the hunt to find the replicant child-not-adult and kill it in various unsavoury ways. Bearded Jared Leto wants to pull the robot apart and make lots and lots of other robo-babies… because I don’t fucking understand reasons. Gosling’s character think’s he’s the child until he realises he’s not and someone else is actually the child. Harrison Ford becomes the true baby daddy… the end. Oh and theres a hologram woman who pretends to be a real woman by copying the movements of a replicant prostitute woman so she can sleep with her Blade Runner replicant boyfriend. FIND A GAP IN THIS PARAGRAPH WHICH DOESN’T EXPLAIN THE GENERAL BLADE RUNNER PLOT, I DOUBLE DARE YOU, BITCH.

I like the Gosling, he’s got a nice face. It’ll please most female readers here to know that Gosling’s face gets a fuck-ton of emotionless closeups in Blade Runner. He spends entire minutes staring longingly into the darkness of your soul and broooooodinnnng. I saw the movie in IMAX and could actually hear splooshing going on around me. True story. Spoiler city; Gosling’s a replicant… mostly because suck cock to the next 40 years of the internet asking that goddamn question over and over. Movie starts literally with that titty of information just before it goes on to have Gosling beat replicant Dave big-pecs Bautista in a FUCKING KNIFE FIGHT.  I guess Gosling got the “buns made of adamantium” upgrade since Bautista’s release version.

They don’t answer if Deckard is a replicant at all in the film, but heavily imply that he is. They state, quite reasonably, that Deckard is the baby daddy because he’s a replicant who’s made to be the baby daddy. Then they bring out a young clone version of his lady lover to control him. For this scene in particular, I cringed audibly at the facial graphics they used to make Sean Young look, ironically, young again. Welcome to the retro future of the uncanny valley, adventurer. “Her eyes were green…” acts Harrison Ford in a gravelly voice, trying hard to pay attention to the elevated green tennis ball they must have been using in her place. Harrison turns away from the tennis ball as another actor fires a 9mm into it and an extra throws the ball across the set.

On the topic of replicant identities, the easiest way to watch this film is to just assume everyone is a replicant unless they are killed by a fully 100% fleshed out replicant. That police detective woman who got stabbed for no particular reason by the crazy replicant woman? Likely not a replicant. The morgue doctor who was internally decapitated by the same replicant with some robo-kung-fu-chop? Likely not a replicant. That group of trash-dudes who were killed by (frankly enormous) missiles from tiny overhead military drones operated by the same replicant? Likely not replicants. You can go through that whole orphanage scene where all the kids are bald and pulling apart circuit boards and go “HEY LOOK AT ALL THESE MINI REPLICANT SLAVE WORKERS”.

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Seeing as Blade Runner is always cited as the “movie that asks the questions”… I have some questions on the things that maybe people don’t really pick up on when they see 2049 the first time around. Lets get this deep intense psychological conversation started, kiddies!

  • What’s the fucking deal with the bees?
  • Are there dog replicants now? Can we buy them yet? Do they still poop?
  • Where did hermit replicant Dave Bautista get a freshly cut flower in his worm farm?
  • Are holograms just digital replicants?
  • If K can heal his wounds with glue… why doesn’t he use it to stop himself dying at the end?
  • Why did the memory lady not freak the fuck out when she watched her own childhood playing in a replicants brain?
  • Why didn’t the future computers realise an orphan boy’s DNA was replaced with an orphan girls DNA?
  • IS DECKARD A FUCKING REPLICANT?! FUCK!
  • Has Hans Zimmer ever been so lucky in his career to have a soundtrack entirely composed of various “BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH” noises?
  • If Jared Leto can see with robots… why doesn’t he just put two of the cameras where his useless eyes are so he can see?
  • Is orange in unnecessarily large empty rooms truly the new black?
  • Why didn’t K just look for records of his manufacture when he wasn’t sure if he was the kid or not, you’d think that might have saved him some grief?

I give this movie 9/10. That tenth star was destroyed off the belt of Orion and lost like tears in rain.

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