Starship Michaels – Star Trek Discovery 1×01 & 1×02

Captains log, star date 41254.7. Moviemop contains maximum warp spoilers for Star Trek Discovery.

Just getting this out there before y’all get your Trekkieknickers in a twist, there will be criticisms in here. Leave your poop throwing at the door before you enter my starship, please. So…ready? Ok. *deep breath* I don’t give a flying fuck about the original series and never cared for Deep Space 9 or Voyager. No! Put down the poop! TAKE COVERRRRRRRRRRRR!

The Next Generation was my jam, I used to watch it with my Mum as a kid and still re-watch from time to time. It holds up incredibly well.  I can also tell you that I’m perfectly ok with JJ Abrams Kelvin-verse reboot. This is mostly ‘cos the movies are alternate universe dandyness, so not really canon. My exposure to Star Trek is the ultra moral champion of human leadership, Captain Patrick Stewart and, well, Chris Pine. Lets review the first two episodes of Star Trek Discovery.

It pleases me so goddamn much that they somehow combine the LENS FLARES FOREVER cinematography and design style of the reboot movies with, what seems like, classic Star Trek action. It looks fucking gorgeous and definitely feels like a modern Trek TV show. The main problem I have with this though is that Discovery is subtly yelling very loudly and clearly at us viewers “I didn’t know what universe I was gonna be until we made all the sets. Fuck.” To clarify, this show officially takes place in the TV universe, they confirmed it. I bet they themselves only found out like a week ago, though.

The design has that reboot movie issue of looking WAY WAY WAY more advanced than the shows that take place a century after it. Remember when Picard had holograms of other officers walking around his ship?

Annnnyway. Space is big, really big. Our main characters are a woman named Michael (that common genderless name) and her lady Captain struggling to hold onto a decent accent. The majority of the first two episodes take place around a binary star system I am hereby christening “The Baller CGI System”. In the Baller CGI System, there’s some sneaky hidden Klingon ships cloaking themselves. In true Star Trek fashion, the first officer puts herself at risk for literally no reason other than to, basically, open a video game mystery box. “OH SHIT KLINGONS, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!”, shout the audience members that already know what Klingon ships look like.

Im sorry, but what in fucking Janeway’s name is going on with the Klingons in this? Is there some weird mutation going around making them all strange looking and… well… not Klingon. They could have called them Gogleboggles and I would have totally gone along with them being a new species. I’ve been re-watching TNG recently and there’s an episode where some Klingons are sat around a fire chilling with their hair and mustaches all loosey goosey. “Are they shaving their heads in Discovery?” I think to myself, looking over the commanders of the 24 Klingon families for any of them with that signature Worf afro magnificence.

The Klingons are unifying again after quite a few LENS FLARE centuries. They decide to fight the Federation. They say the Federation is an organisation that promotes inter-species breeding and racial pollution. In a weird Klingon logic way, you can kind of understand their point though. If you imagine the Federation like the EU and the Klingons like Germany, “WE DON’T WANT NO ANDORIANS CROSSIN OUR BORDERS.” starts to pick up some real world similarities.  I really really like that they twist the words “We come in peace.” like its some kind of human bullshit to throw people off guard as well… nice work writers.

So the Klingons call for backup using some pissing flash-of-Jesus supernova device (thanks for the assist, God) and Starfleet decide that… yeh Klingons are for real bullshit peddlers and need to be stopped; so send ships of their own. At this point we find out Michael was raised as a Vulcan by Spock’s dad? Wha? Are you serious? So is she Spock’s adopted sister, or? Why not just use literally any other Vulcan to play out this plot-line? Michael also has a history with the Klingons.

Spock’s dad tells her to fire on the Klingons for what seems like shits and giggles. Michael then immediately commits mutiny against her captain to kill said Klingons. What is going on here, Star Trek!?

SPACE BATTLE!

EXPLOSIONS!

TRACTOR BEAMZ!

DOUCHBAG ADMIRALS GOING OUT LIKE BOSSES!

PEW PEW PEW!

Pretty much everyone gets fucked by the superior oh jeez firepower of the Klingons. Instead of just sticking around the finish the job, the Klingon fleet leave and have a big party/ bald orgy instead. The main Klingon leader guy stays around to respectfully collect the dead Klingon bodies floating on the battlefield (and enjoy flashback exposition shots)… even though it’s made very clear in TNG that Klingons don’t give a flying bollock about dead bodies; seeing them just as empty shells.

Michael escapes space laser LENS FLARE prison by convincing the computer it’s unethical to keep her locked up during impending doom scenarios; clever girl. Together her and the el Capitan bomb the main Klingon ship, “Cutting off its head”. They then, mindbogglingly, beam a raiding party to the disabled and non-dangerous ship comprised of only the two highest ranking officers aboard; not so clever girl. This calamity leads to the death of our likeable accent-challenged captain by a big bad Batleth. The main Klingon dude then dies in a Michael revenge killing, even though Michael said literally 2 minutes before shooting him that killing him would be the worst idea anyone has ever had ever. The murder also renders the main Klingon guy’s prior setup and backstory pointless. Wonderful.

Michael gets life imprisonment for the events of the episodes, as she rightfully should. Her crimes include:

  1. Single handedly starting war with the Klingons by instantly murdering the first one Starfleet has seen in years.
  2. Giving the Klingons a martyr to unite behind.
  3. Committing mutiny for basically no reason at all.
  4. Having a bizarre Vulcan haircut in her flashbacks.
  5. Not knowing at the start of the first episode that sand is coarse, irratating and can be used to make giant Starfleet insignias that a Starship can see through intense storm activity.

I’m giving these episodes an 8/10, because even though there was a bucketload of what the fucking fucks going on, it was an absolute joy to watch.

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