Statesmen: The Secret Service

Warning, the following contains spoilerifics for Kingsmen: The Golden Circle.

In my Hitman’s Bodyguard review, I mentioned the fact that Kingsmen: The Secret Service was my 100% legit ultimate surprise of cinema joy for the last few years. It was stylish, interesting and enjoyably unique. Somehow (through sheer Shia La Beouf magic) it convincingly managed to make English middle-aged chaps, who you’d normally see in romance films, ultra-baller action stars. I know right. Lets crack on with our Kingsmen 2 recap, shall weeee.

Our movie starts with some spy action. Dickhole Toff Mcgrawmeister, or Charlie as he’s called in the film, somehow survived the “FUCKIN SPECTACULA” brain genocide at the end of the first film. Oh… he’s also got a Winter Soldier robot arm; I can dig it. Brief shout out to the best goddamn Taxi Driver in the business in the opening chase scene as well. Shame about the whole ‘neurotoxin filled shoe knife to the neck’ death crap though. I do wonder why the driver didn’t immediately put the car into Tokyo Drift mode as soon as shit kicked off, like Eggsy’s first instinct was. I digress.

Chase scene ends with the car firing off some missiles and turning into a submarine. Afterwards, Charlie’s detached robot hand manages to hack the Taxi into Kingsmen’s secure servers whilst the protagonist non-figuratively swims in shit. This is definitely a spy film. Dickhole’s hand gives the Golden Circle information about Kingsmen’s spies. Julianne Moore, surpreme eternal leader of the Golden Circle shitlords, decides to blow them up for business security.

Our surviving fellas end up in a wine tasters around the corner because “emergency disaster scenario” and “plot”. I personally love the fact that the disaster relief is a bottle of Bourbon in a safe that they think is just a “Now drink because you’re fucked!” joke. The movie could have ended right there, to be fair.

Mark Strong is the only reason you need to watch this movie now.

Our Kingsmen end up in Kentucky and meet the Statesmen… Kingsmen of the states. They also have no clue who each other are… which makes no sense at all if you really think about it. Harry, who got perma-mullered in Kingsmen 1 is back up and kicking like bullets to the brain mean nothing. Might have even been a surprise if the trailer didn’t GIVE FUCKING EVERYTHING AWAY ABOUT THIS PLOT POINT.

Picture if you will, Matthew Vaughn sat in a room with a big pile of weed.

“The baddie has to be a lady because Samuel L is a bloke. We’ve had a bloke bad guy already.”
Matthew Vaughn looks over to his green pile of rocket fuel drugs on the table and thinks hard.
The subtle sound of  Indiana Jones echoes through the dark hotel room that Vaughn has christened his home from home. Suddenly the show cuts to an advert portraying America in the 1950’s.
“I want her to be in the 1950’s…but I also want her to be in Indiana Jones”
Indiana Jones comes back on and the priest rips that man’s heart from his chest over the swealtering inferno. Matthew Vaughn takes a bite from his cold Big Mac.

Jumping ahead a bit. The drugs that Moore’s character is peddling is poisoning everyone with some strange Iron Man 2-esque blue skin. It makes people dance, paralyses them and then kills them. Kingsmen logic, deal with it. “THE DRUGGIES IS UP FOR RANSOM COS I WANT TO HAVE MONEY LEGIT REALSIES INSTEAD OF AS A KINGPIN”, she shouts at the world. Elton John’s there as well, gloriously telling everyone to go fuck themselves. Cheers for that, Elton. The US president replies by, seriously fucking shockingly, being totally onboard letting anyone who’s ever had drugs die an agonising painful death. Way to switch up your role from moral champion Starfleet Admiral Pike to genocidal maniac, Bruce Greenwood. There’s a certain Trump-like quality to him which seemed almost intentional. Oh yeh and Eggsy’s girlfriend is also infected… she’s been in it for the whole movie up until now, but who cares really.

Our heroes go to the mountains with that-guy-who’s-head-imploded from Game of Thrones. They need a sample of the disease cure. I’ve super glossed over Eggsy cheating on his princess girlfriend at Glastonbury festival, that happened. I’ve also completely ignored the fact Harry took re-living his dog’s death to get his brain back from a child-like state and is seeing butterflies everywhere he looks. IVE EVEN IGNORED THE EXPLANATION OF THE ULTIMATE MOVIE DEATH REVERSAL SYSTEM THEY USED TO SAVE HARRY BECAUSE ITS TOTAL BULLSHIT OMG.

In the mountains we see Charlie in an enemy cure-factory lair. Our heroes steal a phial of the cure by asking a baddie instead of, y’know, just grabbing about thirty of the fuckers off the shelves near the entrance to the place. Dickhole disagrees with this and an action scene ensues. Harry, our dashing middle-aged action star, then intentionally shoots the Statesmen spy ally in the brain during a tense gunfight. Yep. IT SURE IS LUCKY THEY CAN BRING ANYONE BACK FROM THE DEAD WHENEVER THEY WANT THOUGH! Seriously, fuck that plot device.

The Kingsmen find out about the baddies lair and go there in a snazzy private superspy jet. “Looking good, Spork!”, “Feeling gojod, IMAX”. They even take Mark Strong, because why the shitting hell shouldn’t they take Mark Strong?! Just look at this specimen of human evolution.

Well maybe they shouldn’t take Mark Strong because he then dies almost immediately at the start of the mission… albeit in the most manly Scottish way ever put to film. Fuck you BraveHeart, you don’t know shit.

Kingsmen action scene goes here. Also Elton John action scene which I regret not being able to fully capture in human language the incredible experience that it is. The Statesman spy who got revived was a baddie all along… so they mince him in a mincer… nice.

Kingsmen kill the baddies, release the cure and then rebuild Kingsmen using funds from Statesmen… for whom they are now assumably stuck working for. Channing Tatum looks ridiculous in a bowler hat. The End.

I’d normally spend the rest of my review going over how I felt about the film… but to be honest, I’ve been writing this review for 3 hours now and I still don’t feel like I can reasonably fit a good overall summary of every plot device into a few paragraphs. This movie was crazy and so much shit happened I just don’t have the time to go over everything. To that end, I’ve done a Q&A against myself for the cliff notes.

  • Did you like it? – Yes it was awesome. Would watch again.
  • Was it as good as Kingsmen 1? – It wasn’t as original as Kingsmen 1, but it was still as fun to watch.
  • Anything shit about the film? – The Colin Firth revival plot device was stupid as dicks. Also the constant references to quotes from Kingsmen 1 was unnecessary fanservice.
  • Greatest part of the film? – Watching Mark Strong’s character die whilst standing on a landmine being the manly man we all know he is.
  • Thoughts on the acting? – Felt like Colin Firth phoned it in a lot. I was pleasantly surprised by Jeff Bridges, he was great in this. Best actor was easily my boy Mr Strong.

I give Kingsmen: The Golden Circle a 7/10. This is because as much as I want to believe Harry could survive Valentine firing a bullet through his eyeball and deep into his brain…“NANOMACHINES SAVED HIM, SON” is way too Metal Gear to work in this franchise.

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