Warning the following contains brutally honest spoilers for the entirety of the Defenders. You’ve been warned, bro.
Normally I’d review every episode of a thing separate. Sometimes you need to split it down, take it in and shit-talk it an hour at a time. Game of Thrones, easy. Every episode is a mini movie… like eating a bit sized chunk of hollywood. Boy hollywood can taste good. Defenders, well… right ok lets just say this straight off the bat… Defenders was shit. Barely anything at all happened, so reducing it to a single review should be piss easy.
Before you get your Marvel-is-Jesus panties all twisted and rammed up your crack. First of all, get fucked with your Marvel loyalty bullshit. Secondly, DC is shit as well right now. I can shit talk on everything if I want, but today it’s Defenders, so deal. Lets do this.
Defenders is the culmination of mixed-bag Netflix Marvel shows. You’ve got the EPIC first seasons of Daredevil, Jessica Jones and Luke Cage, the ‘meh’ second season of Daredevil and the total horsepoop first season of Iron Fist. Unfortunately for us viewers, it seems like they jumped right off Iron Fist’s dick then rolled straight on through to Defenders hoping his limp floppiness can keep the Marvel properties flying. Spoiler…it can’t.
The premise is basic enough. Most of our band of misfits are independently investigating the same mysterious organisation (the Hand… euphemism not needed). Some protagonists know what it is, some don’t. An earthquake happens and, like a slip ‘n’ slide, our good guys find themselves queuing up to slide down the same slippery path. Tadaaaaaa, superhero team up. Oh and Stick shows up to be a ‘partially’ blind morally ambiguous guide figure… almost like a certain one-eyed Director of Shield.
Fights in Chinese restaurants, random infighting between the heroes in the name of drama, cameos from baddies in previous shows… same shit different episode. Special note to the laundry list of side characters for spending 5 of the 8 episodes in a police station waiting to be saved by their friends… waiting.
Sigourney Weaver really tries in this. She’s playing biggie bad of the series and looks to be really giving it her best shot. Sadly for her, there’s no setup for her character prior to this point and the writing for her is absolute garbage. Ripley from Alien just poking her head out the Earth like a fucking Diglett shouting “IM THE BADDIE NOW, ALSO IM DYING” does little to set up a credible villain for Defenders… and the show suffers from it. Sigourney’s not even given any ominous setup to make her existence worthwhile. Oi Netflix! What happened to that guy killing himself rather than give up Fisk’s name in Daredevil season 1? I wanna build up to the bad guy, for fuck sake.
Anyway, Ripley brings Elektra back from the dead because Marvel doesn’t kill anyone for more than the span of a season. Elektra spends some time with amnesia, then she loses amnesia by sleeping in Daredevil’s bed for a little bit (true story). Then she kills Sigourney Weaver’s character for literally no reason whatsoever, leaving the show without any big bad at all. Should have just called the show “A lesson in pointless narrative.”, Netflix. Turns out the bad guys motives were to get some weird lube from an Iron Fist vault that helps them live forever or some whackydoodle bull. Also Stick dies, which should have been more hard-hitting than it turned out to be, but is as footnotey there as it is here.
Anyway the Defenders wind up in a building belonging to the hand, built on top of Iron Fist lube storage bank. Heroes figure the only way to stop the organisation once and for all is to blow up a single tossing building. Just…*breathes out in a huff*…ok…take a moment to consider how ridiculous this course of events is. The show has spent whole episodes talking about how global of an operation the Hand is, going so far as to have Hand leaders from around the world fucking flying in for meetings. HOW IS BLOWING UP THIS BUILDING WITH, AS YOU SAY YOURSELVES LITERALLY NOBODY INSIDE, GOING TO DO ANYTHING? Fuck sake, Defenders.
Fighty fighty times against the Hand in immortality lube town underground. Daredevil sacrifices himself for what seems like an excuse just to pork his ex. For some reason Jessica Jones is also here beating on trained Kung Fu masters, even though it goes against pretty much everything her character is set up as in Jessica Jones season 1. The building collapses and everyone escapes except everyones favourite Devil of Hell’s kitchen. The end? Oh yeh and Daredevil is alive at the end, because fuck cliffhangers.
I cannot think of anything else important that happens in this. I challenge you to think up a plot point which is really important that is not covered here. Was I watching this wrong or something? I have more gripes, though… so instead of spending hours writing up how stupid I found them… here are some questions.
- Why did Iron Fist set up a cliffhanger that the temple city was destroyed at the end of season 1, when it was just gonna be thrown off as “you’re seeing things boyo” in Defenders?
- If that dude who ran the New York hand training cult was an equal leader of the hand, what was the point of having Madame Gao in New York at the same time during the other shows?
- Why didn’t Stick ever bring up the fact he had close ties to the former Iron Fist, as seen in Daredevil season 1? Did he forget?
- Where was the Punisher? I miss the Punisher.
- Why weren’t the Defenders arrested at the end for domestic terrorism?
- How could the super powerful, globally resourced hand possibly not know who Daredevil is by this point?
- Why didn’t the doctors re-attach that police woman’s arm? Is razor thin Katana blade maiming too rough to put limbs back together?
- Why didn’t any city inspectors ask about the mahoosive tunneling operation required to dig that huge hole down into lube town?
- Why wasn’t there an earthquake when Iron Fist opened the vault?
- Why wasn’t anyone guarding the evidence lockup of the police station if it contained fucking C4 explosives?
- How did that woman with the sword fight that dude with the sword after being nearly gutted just a few hours prior?
4/10 because we got to the end of episode 8 and thought there were more episodes to watch with an actual ending… there wasn’t.