Game of Thrones 7×07 – They have to be blonde, royalty and related to me.

Warning, the following contains spoilers for the season 7 finale of Game of Thrones. If you haven’t seen it yet, your eyes should be fucking closed whilst you read even just this spoiler warning. You should be reading this goddamn spoiler warning in braille in case you accidentally glance at the wrong shit and ruin your life forever.

SEASON FINALE TIME GO.  So I especially liked the part where Jon turned into a giant undead wolf and pissed on the wall to make it melt. Oh you still haven’t stopped at the spoiler warning huh, last chance. Lets review Game of Thrones.

Premium length adventure today, we’re starting off our mayhem with a journey to the… Dragon Pits? Have we covered this location before, Game of Thrones? I mean, I like your style, but I think I’d remember something as baller as a pit for Dragons. Also, was this place hiding in all your previous panoramic shots of Kings Landing up until now? Anyway… the good lads and the bad cunts are meeting up to talk about dead people. Dead people that are really not all that dead. Undead people, you might say. Brief inkling of “don’t fuck with us in the finale, George” as guards keep toying with the Hound’s special zombie box (euphamism 100% intended). Reunion city in the first 10 minutes, the best of which is Podrick and Bronn who decide to fuck off for the rest of the season and go drink themselves stupid.

Clegane Bowl confirmed for season 8.

Blond incest queen 2: The blondening, I mean Daenerys, drops in with her Dragons to fuck with Cersei on a primal level. We love it, Jon loves it, Tyrion’s already picking out ointments for the burn that Cersei just received. WHAT’S IN THE BOX, SANDOR, MY MAN? I cocking hope it’s that zombie that was alive two fucking minutes ago. If those guards dicked with our special zombie box, I’m gonna be livid… Oh they didn’t, it was just taking a zombie nap. Ok. Fair props to Cersei’s reaction here. I don’t think she was expecting to be bulldogged by the undead when she woke up that morning. She manages to keep the obvious internal screaming to a dulled minimum, so good work, bitchypants.

Jon does his absolute best to look like he rehearsed his slides for the apocalypse presentation. Unfortunately, he didn’t do any of the group work so just wings it for a few minutes hoping nobody will notice. Cersei also doesn’t enjoy that Jon is a grown man and can make his own decisions like a big boy, damnit. She decides the apocalypse isn’t really worth bothering about and leaves, making literally everyone confused as shit. If you put the volume on max, you can hear the  “Whuaaaaaaaaa” noise you associate with videos of Hillary Clinton looking at balloons. The manoeuvre is so balls-to-the-walls ridiculous, even the Mountain (the one without independant thought any more) assumably eye-speaks a “Bitch, what the fuck are you doing.” to her under his helmet. Tyrion goes and convinces her that the apocalypse actually truly sucks grizzly Tormund balls. Tormund balls are very very grizzly… so Cersei’s like “fuck dis” and does what she should have done anyway. Nice waste of 20 minutes there, finale.

In the North, Littlefinger continues to be an absolute pillock. “I like to play a little game, Sansa”. Ok, Jigsaw Pete, dial it back a bit there. He’s trying to convince our Lady in the North that Arya’s a psycho little shitlord, which she kind of is, but in the best of ways really. Baelish ballface makes Sansa think that Arya just wants to murder everyone so she calls Arya into the big great hall. The fact you can see RoboBran here is a good indicator that stuff isn’t as it seems. OH LOOK LITTLEFINGER YOU’RE GETTING YOURSELF MURDERED TODAY. “Little Finger Man stand behind Ned Stark with knife, Little Finger Man be mean to Ned Stark.” says RoboBran to little surprise of all the witnesses there. Nice bit of reflection explaining who the season 1 knife belonged to as well, before it gets embedded in disco Pete’s jugular… while he begs for mercy… like a pussy.

Sam shows up in Winterfell and they discuss how Jon is totally legit a Targaryen named Aegon… including flashbacks to Rheagar’s marriage to Lyanna Stark. Rheagar already had another son named Aegon, so stick to what you know eh, dragon boy? He bore a striking resemblence to eternal goldencrown Viserys as well, so everyone chanting “HE WAS THE DREAMBOAT OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS, OH LAWDY” remains inexplicable. In either case, at least the flashbacks and explanations are accompanied with shots of Jon HARD PORKING HIS AUNT D LIKE YO MOMMA GAVE. God. Fucking. Damnit.

Jaime finally discovers that Cersei is the worst human being alive in the universe. She doesn’t want to help everyone else stop the end of the world, like she promised. Cersei doesn’t give a shit that she dies in any outcome by making that decision as well; which is totally fine with me. Regardless of all this, Jaime’s going north to fight with the good guys, and that’s a great thing. It’s beautiful because it means we get to see more Bronn… and everyone knows Bronn is the prince that was promised.

Oh yeh, and the white walkers burn the wall down…BECAUSE THEY HAVE AN UNDEAD DRAGON WHICH BREATHES BLUE FIRE. Nice.

I liked this one, it was a bit tamer than last week though, mostly setup for season 8. The ender to season 7 was better. 9/10.


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