Ok. Ok… this is big. Fuuuck this was so good. You wanna escape spoilers you better get the shit out of this bitch. Game of Thrones – “Beyond the Wall” super spoilers are 100% coming. DONT BLAME ME IF YOU GET FUCKED OVER JUST BY THE FIRST SENTENCE. Stop
Jesus. Fuck me what an episode. Everything happened, everything. Step right up folks, come one, come all. We got Benjen Stark, we got The Night King, we got Undead Dragons, we got fighting and burning shit. Praise Jon Snow and lets review/ recap Heaven of Thrones… I mean Game of Epic. Whatever, lets just do this.
Episode starts out with some witty banter between badasses strolling in no-mans-land. “You know how I stay warm, Houndy boy, I shag everything I see.” I love you, you ginger viking warlord, I hope you and Brienne make powerful badass children together. To be fair, any one of the guys who went north of that wall get my eternal respect and love after such a pimp episode. Manly man crew’s plan is to kidnap an undead guy so they can convince the world that zombies are really really something people should be paying real fucking attention to. You see this World War Z shit, Cersei? Stop being a bitch for 20 seconds and get your ass into fifth gear, yeah?
Before we get on with the legendary times up north, we’ll just go over all the standard episode bullshit thats going on otherwise and get it out the way. Most of the rest of the episode is spent in Winterfell. Arya’s decided to go full blown psycho ninja because of a letter that’s 6 seasons old. The bits where she’s ripping Sansa a new fart hole are a genuine pleasure. I know the consensus is supposed to be “stop fighting and be fronnnnds Starky peeps” but people forget how much of a shitstain Sansa was in the first couple of seasons. This crap is 100% justified on Arya’s part. Oh you’ve had a bad time Sansa? WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK, YOU PULLED SOME SHIT FOR A LONG ASS TIME. When Arya brings up Lady Mormont, she immediatedly gets +10 on her shit stirring attack modifiers as well. Nobody wants to be on the bad side of the Mormont stone maiden. Nobody.
There’s a scene where the Dragonqueen and Tyrion talk about Jon clearly wanting to pork her until she can’t see straight. They’re fine with it because they’re not aware of the incest. Tyrion mentions she needs to probably anoint an heir as well, because she’s blood-cursed in the babymaking division and can’t have kiddies. This is very reasonable, Tyrion, glad you brought it up… said nobody. Daenerys is a mean bitch to him as usual, putting down his logical discussions with her and calling him a Lannister pig. Why name him your hand… why fucking bother, Daenerys?!
Ok. Big boy trousers time. After fending off a GIANT UNDEAD BEAR, and Thoros doing his best to mimic the black knight from Monty Python, the Snow Bros find themselves ambushing a White Walker and some zombinoes. Jon puts down the Walker in season 5-ish style and the undeadery dudes become actual deadery dudes. One of the zombies is still kicking though, so they pounce. Zombies can scream like Black Riders of Mordor, just an important note. Don’t let them call for help because you’ll be fucked for the rest of your episode. You might even die. Very important to make sure you put that in your north-of-the-wall tour guide pamphlet, folks.
Everyone legs it before the enemy shows up… which has a remarkable amount of common sense to it for a fiction show. Yeh, maybe that loud noise is an army of the dead looking to see why their bro was screaming and you should haul ass outta there. I have never screamed “RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN” so loud at a tv before in my life, except for maybe when Rickon WASNT FUCKING SERPENTINING LIKE HE SHOULD HAVE. The manly manly men end up stranded on a lake island. They spend the night relaxing/ pumping iron surrounded by an apocalyptic undead army. Thoros finally kicks the bucket and the hound throws shit at some zombies, because he’s a manly manly man and doesn’t give two fucks about the ice apocalypse. The rest of this review will now be a quote by quote re-enactment of my reaction to the episode.
GENDRY YOU BETTER HAVE FUCKING DONE YOUR JOB!
NO TORMUND! NO!
CMON TORMUND! KICK THOSE FUCKERS TORMUND!
HELP HIM JORAH, CMON!
YEH SHIT HOUND GO FOR IT YEH!
CMON CMON CMON!
JON, HIT HIM JON!
YEH YEH BURN EM YEH!
YES YES CMON!
JOHN! WAKE THE FUCK UP JON!
HOLY SHIT YEH BURN EM, YEH CMON DRAGONS!
OK LAND THAT SHIT AND GET OUT OF THERE!
YEH GET DOWN! LAND!
DODGE IT YOU FUCKING SHITTTTTT!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO NO NO NO!
FUCKKK FUCK FUCK
GET ON THE DRAGON JON!
JON WHAT THE FUCK!
HES GOT ANOTHER ONE!
OH NO GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE!
JON MOVE YOUR ASS!
NO! JON! JON!!!!!
WAIT WHO IS THAT?!
ITS FUCKEN BENJEN STARK!!!
YEH BENJEN GO FOR IT!!!!
BENJEN YOU’RE GOING OUT LIKE A FUCKING BOSS!!!
YEH HIT EM BENJEN YEH!
Anyway, Jon miraculously survives, unconsciously directing his horse to the one place he’s trying to get to. Wakes up on a boat and holds the Dragonqueen’s hand. “I’d bend the knee, but Im looking at those tits, auntie D.” Gross Jon, gross.
Oh yeh AND THE EPISODE ENDS WITH THE WHITE WALKERS BRINGING A DRAGON BACK TO LIFE TO FIGHT FOR THEIR TEAM. Literal mind blown, standing up hyperventilating at what I just watched. Room spinning around from the awesome. What year is it?
Fuck it, 10/10. They’re not topping this. Im out.