Game of Thrones 7×05 – Magical teleportation bastards.

Warning, the following contains MAHOOSIVE SPOILERYS for Game of Thrones Season 7 episode 5 – “Eastwatch”.

Right. Before I rip the absolute piss out of this episode I have something to say. I’m not one to complain when Thronies comes on. It’s magnificent TV that is fucking lightyears above anything right now (except maybe Vikings). I don’t like to criticise it because I love it… so so much. However, there is a big but coming in this review. Lets recap this bizarre episode of Game of Thrones.

So, were going to go over the big stinking “what the fucking even?” elephant in the Throneroom for episode 5. EVERYONE CAN FLY NOW. This is the only solution to what I like to call the Davos paradox. In todays Game of Thrones, Davos the mach 2 rocketman, proves that everyone in this show has sudden access to miraculous human flight. He manages to travel from Dragonstone to Kings Landing, Kings Landing back to Dragonstone and Dragonstone to the other-side-of-the-fucking-continent-Wall… in a single episode. This 3 fingered motherfucker has ruby slippers. With the other characters bounding around with him, Davos officially owns a travel agency for trans-westeros flights. Nobody will convince me otherwise.

Moving on. Dragonqueen D finds herself using the twitter handle #awkward more than she usually does today. Having just toasted hundreds of guys with a fire breathing Dragon, she starts off episode 5 trying to convince the bloodied survivors that she’s totally not there to brutally kill everyone. Good work Danaerys… forward thinking there. “I know you just saw me throw miniature exploding suns at people, but I’m actually totally a super lovable person teehee!”. The Lannister soldier extras are the true winners here, with their unanimous reactions of “U fukin wot, bitch?”. Tyrion gets some appreciated play in this also, appearing as both the interesting character with stakes in both sides and, more importantly, the only one with a multicellular brain.

Gendry comes back… turns out he went back to set for his scene in season 1 and just waited around until a director realised he was there. He’s a blacksmith huh? Good to stick to what you know, right George? Awful lonely on that rowboat for Meera Reed now though. Gendry’s immediate leap from ‘that guy we kind of remember on the boat who does the rowing’ to ‘that guy important enough to be part of the main quest’ is really really jarring.

Later in the episode, Danaerys forgets she’s been trying to conquer Westeros her entire life and decides to just do what Jon feels like he wants to do instead. “Sure Jon! I’ll stop my campaign, seek peace with my sworn enemies and give you my most trusted swordsman for a suicide mission based on a story that may or may not be true!” Make an effort Dragonqueen, sheesh. Regarding Jorah, just a small moment of silence for our Ser in the perpetual friendzone.

Jon Snow doesn’t really do much this week. He has his dark and brooding speech as per standard. There’s a bit where he touches a Dragon’s toothy face and Danaerys eyes him up like a crazy stalker off her meds. At the end he snaps his heels three times and soars over the Wall on Davos ruby slipper airlines. Once here he starts a boyband with the rest of the series’ main male characters. The hound is usefully here with the brotherhood without banners for backup singing action.

Sam Tarley discovers Jon is potentially not a bastard child and the info is just glossed over casually by his maester midlife crisis complaints. SHUT THE FUCK UP SAM, LET THE WOMAN SPEAK. Why sit quietly and let her explain windows and poop to you and then totally ignore the potential country-changing Dynastic motherload which is on the next page? You’re not good at this, Sam. I’m glad you quit the thing you’re shit at, Sam.

In Winterfell, Arya decides that murdering everyone is the best solution to the impending doom problem. You can’t be killed by zombies if you’re already dead. She follows Littlefinger around, noticeably not murdering him, then gets tricked into reading a piece of paper.

Sansa gets into arguments because she occasionally sleeps in a specific bed. Sansa gets into arguments because people like her and want her to be in charge. Sansa gets into arguments because she’s Sansa and that’s what her character essentially is… a walking argument.

RoboBran just kind of sits and makes weird faces. A note on this as well; if there is any sense to the timeline with the Jonstreet Boys heading up to the wall, RoboBran has been sitting and making wierd faces for literal months before sending off ravens.

Im not talking about the Lannisters today. There’s the implication of hardcore Lannistercest and it’s still too wierd to cover in every episode that it’s mentioned.


Bit of a rough one today. Acting was good, story is decent, but some of the plot holes are just glaringly bullshittingly obvious. It was far easier to find flaws this time,  I give it a 6/10.

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