The following contains spoilerific spoilers for Game of Thrones. If you carry on reading, you’re totally going to regret it. You sure you’re ready for this? Reeeeealy? Ok.
Does anyone wonder why it took no time for Jon to reach the other side of the country and it took Bran literally forever to move 2 blips on the Westeros world map? Weren’t Arya and Bran just a brisk walking distance from Winterfell like two episode ago? I know Jon was in a boat… but seriously?
So in today’s episode, our lord and saviour who knows nothing and our queen with infinite titles finally get some scenes together. It has taken the Game of Thrones team 63 soul-breaking, hope-crushing hours to finally get the two people we like to be in the same place at the same time. Good work guys, top job, gold stars for everyone. You’ve got to admit, Jon and Dany look really good together on the screen, in a hopefully non-Lannistery kind of way. The sudden potential of these two being enemies half way through the episode was a real “STOP IT BEFORE YOU START GEORGE, RIGHT NOW!” situation, but they were friendemy status again by the end of things… so there’s still hope. Don’t do it… don’t fuck with us George. Not now. Not like this George. George? Geooooorge?
In other Westeros news, Sam broke yet another unbreakable Maester rule and still avoided being shafted out the door. This time he actually gets discovered. However, for some inexplicable reason, they really don’t give two farts about his shenanigans. Weren’t they super anal about the rules before? This makes no sense. Still though, one might say he was able to stop Jorah being Sam-unwell Tarly…sorry. The most frustrating part of Sam and Jorah’s scene was easily the fact that they’re superfriends with the show’s power couple and that information was never expanded into a conversation. Not even once. Daenerys eh Sam? You know that name he mentioned there Sam? Maybe you could, y’know, pipe up and mention that “OH YEH! SHE IS SUPER IMPORTANT TO MY JOB HERE RIGHT NOW, JORAH!”. Not even a word about it Sam? Ok.
The Greyjoys carry on doing stuff that I personally couldn’t give a flying piss about. Pirates are cool right? Sure they are, when any of them are actually likeable in any way. Ohhh that guy I don’t like has captured that woman I don’t care about and sent those two secondary characters to die at the hands of a woman I eternally despise. Please. I’ve gotta admit “Does she like a finger in the bum?” was a liquid spitting out the mouth in laughter moment that saved the entire segment. Mixed emotions for sure. The question wasn’t even answered in the episode either! Fuckin’ cliffhangers man, the worst.
Oh yeh and Bran. Bran happened. He’s RoboBran now. RoboBran like tree. RoboBran make sister feel uncomfortable. RoboBran stay with tree for long long time. What happened to Meera Reed here? Has she instantly fallen into sudden and inescapable obscurity? Is she on that boat with Gendry (remember Gendry?), sailing off into the land of forgotten characters?
Olenna Martel is an absolute goldmine of quotes in whatever episode she appears. I 100% love her character. I especially liked when she described in graphic detail murdering Joffrey. Do you remember where you were when Joffrey died? Yes Olenna! Tell him how blue Joffrey went, oooooh that memory feels soooo goood. The fact she retained infinite sass whilst staring down her death is just totally badass. Queen of Thorns? Queen of Ohhhhhhhshiiiiit Son more like! Jaime not just plowing her through with a sword in brutal anger at the end was fairly disappointing though. Where’s that Kingslayer slayin, Kingsguard? “I want Cersei to know it was me, now that you have given me a peaceful de….” splurted Olenna, as Jaime channeled his Wolverine within and tore her beating heart from her chest. See George, she can die AND it be awesome.
I wasn’t crazy impressed with the episode as a whole, if I’m honest. I thought the big battle scene teased at Casterly rock promised some oh-jeez awesome times and let us down completely. It had some obvious “we rendered this on the cheap” CGI going on. Flashbacks to the Battle of Bastards gave me a deep craving for more grime. Give me grime, Game of Thrones, cram it in there! I don’t care about PG-13 guys falling off castle walls Lord of the Rings style. Where’s Grey Worm decapitating all those Lannister bitches? Give me Lannister bitch heads, Game of Thrones! The only thing I could think whilst watching the episode was “Vikings did this kind of fight wayyyyy better.”
The acting was great as always, except for maybe RoboBran. The problem is that Sean Connery smoothly talking about how good horse poop is, even if he’s captivating as an actor, is still Sean Connery talking about poop. The same applies here. Yes yes wordplay references to season one hardy-hardy-har. Oh look, a loving friendly Bronn quote as Bronn GOES TO WAR WITH YOU IN THE NEXT SCENE. Seriously Davos, I know you’re trying to make friends… but “I’ve never been there” being the sole point of your conversation in that scene was goddamn ridiculous.
I give this episode a 7/10, because although I was mostly disappointed, “Does she like a finger in the bum.” was easily worth 6 points alone.